One tuff decision......What should I do???

[motorhead]

I never thought that I would be on something like this, but the game of life has led me to this crossroad and I am stumped...
I am a 43 years old and my wife is 36, we have been fathfully married for almost 10 years. 3 years ago she had a hysterotomy, and my marrige has gone down hill ever sense. She has become synicle and prudish, not to mention critical of my every move. There is no emotions towards me anymore, and the sex... well lets just say that we went from having smoking hot heart pounding, sweat dripping sex 2 to 3 times a day(any time either one of use wanted it) to lucky if I get it twice a month, yea thats what I said, twice a month!!!
Now I know what your probally thinking, and no I am not one of those jerkwad asshole husbands, I am a very loving, careing, compassionate person that is always home for the kids and her, ready to go that extra mile. I do love my wife, but I am very frustrated, everytime I attempt to talk about this sex issue she tells me " you need to just shut up, I am tired of hearing about this shit" She won't even let me look at her when she is nude getting out of the shower, I feel very neglected and lonely.
I guess what I am asking is what do you real people out there think I should do? I can almost tolerate the lack of acknowledgement on a daily basis, but the sex is a whole different deal. I enjoy it, I am beyond the lust of sex, and enjoy the deep passion of it. I have a very strong sex drive, and this lack of compassion on her side is driving me to madness. I don't know if I should stay or go, I am on the verge of wanting and affair! Are should I just get a divorce and hope to find someone who has the same feelings as me?

[Cally]

wow.... this is quite a situation that you are in. i'm not exactly sure what kind of advice i should give you, because i have quite a few thoughts in my mind as what could/should happen.

it really sounds like you have done everything you can do to help. have you considered and raised with her the idea of going to a sex or marriage counselor? in defense of your wife, losing a part of her body that represented 'womanhood' to her has been taken away, and i can imagine how unwomanly and unsexy she feels within herself. ALSO you have to take into consideration the hormonal implications of losing ones uterus. unless she was left with her ovaries in tact, she will have experienced monopause at a very early age, and that can really impact sex.

now, all that being said, if you have done everything you can do as far as that goes, you have to consider your own wants and needs. i mean, do you dissolve your marriage and find someone else? are you so in love with this woman that you can't imagine leaving her but would rather just have discreet sexual encounters with someone else? what happens if you fall in love with this someone else? what happens if wife finds out about someone else? it's such a hard situation to be in.

if i were you, i would try the counseling approach. if that doesn't work, or she's not willing to participate, then to be honest, you need to start thinking about yourself. as human beings, we yearn for both physical and emotional connections to people around us, and that includes sex. i think that cheating on her would make things go really bad if she ever found out... but at the same time... you have needs too. two years ago, i never would have condoned cheating on a spouse, but sometimes, and i believe this could be one of them, it's completely understandable. you have feelings too, if i were you, i would probably find someone who could return them.

[Pam79]

Go to the doctor with her and talk about the problems. Have him give a perscription for the Hormones. Then take her to a novelty store and get some new playtoys of her choice to try out that night. :D

[motorhead]

There is only one problem with that, she is an RN and has already tried hormones, all she did was complain about them breaking her out, as far as the toys go, 3 years ago it was anything goes, not anymore. In the last 2 years she has thrown away what few toys we had. This is a very screwed up situation...
Buy the way, thanks Cally for the reply, you seem like a very even keeled person, and you pretty much came up with the same conclusion as me, damn if you do, damn if you don't, it looks like it's going to be another l-o-n-g winter.

[Joe Neckbone]

There is only one problem with that, she is an RN and has already tried hormones, all she did was complain about them breaking her out, as far as the toys go, 3 years ago it was anything goes, not anymore. In the last 2 years she has thrown away what few toys we had. This is a very screwed up situation...
Buy the way, thanks Cally for the reply, you seem like a very even keeled person, and you pretty much came up with the same conclusion as me, damn if you do, damn if you don't, it looks like it's going to be another l-o-n-g winter.

You need to stfu about sex. I say that with all respect . You need to explore other ways of thinking about this situation. Your way is not effective. Try researching on your own. You get professional help about how to handle this situation. Knowledge is power. Find some. Sex is not the problem it is a symptom of the real problem. Your way of communicating about your relationship makes you seem to be the one having the problem. If I was her I might dump you for making sex a condition for staying with her or going away.
Her psyche is damaged and needs therapy. Find a psychotherapist or clinical social worker and you go alone to ask questions about how to handle the situation, how to discuss it with your wife, to get a strategy, a new course of action...her ego may be damaged..she may have manic depression..at least google the issue and read about how others have coped with or resolved the same issue ..1000's before you certainly have had the exact same situation..it sounds textbook to me..you need to be seeking to understand her and not asking to be understood...making sex an issue with her is more than likely making things worse for her ..and it makes you seem selfish..like your problem..is more urgent than hers...think cause and effect where she is concerned..her hormonal chemistry may need to be adjusted..she may be getting subpar medical advice...take all the facts to an objective third party professional..forget your issues..focus on her...women around here like getting hysterectomys..they come thru it new and improved...no worry about having a period or needing birth control..it sets them free...go get advice about how to resolve your woman's problems..if you love her unconditionally...your actions should reflect that.. you don't seem to value or honor your marriage vows..the man is responsible for the woman in my book..she should come first..if something is wrong with her ...your job is to make it right again..you keep becoming part of the problem..try being part of the solution..she may be seeing you as not loving her..not caring enough to listen..not sensitive to her needs..you need another way of thinking about this situation...go get one that is effective..right beyond the edge of of your thoughts are new ones. That is a fact. Remember one thing you are not capable of being objective about her.
Find somebody who is.It may be a simple problem for them to resolve.

[Keiehart]

women around here like getting hysterectomys..they come thru it new and improved...no worry about having a period or needing birth control..it sets them free sarcasm is tough to discern through written text...i sincerely hope that what was written in that quote is sarcasm.

That being said, i think the general advice from all the posts here is to seek help from proffessionals who know about your problems and have treated people in your situations before, be they thereapists, doctors etc. Good luck sir.

[retcop]

You got married for better or worse and it looks like you have had both. You said you have kids and your wife works full time as an RN? Beside her medical problem maybe she is just wore out from the day to day expectations of life. Do you help with cooking, laundry, the kids? If not try it she will see you in a different light, and do not make sex another chore she has to perform . Try getting the kids to a relatives and take a long weekend away from the daily pressures. Put her in a climate where all she has to worry about is nothing.

Maroma Mexico is nice, very romantic, or any Sandles Resort. If I guess right and your from Arkansas, try the Plaza in Kansas City after Thanksgiving the Christmas lights are wonderful, there are several nice hotels, restaraunts, and the shopping. My wife and I had the same problem and after a heart to heart I understood her days were so busy that sex became just another duty. Now 3 -4 times a year we get away for long weekends, even though we live in KCMO we still go to the Plaza for weekend get aways. We also like St. Louis, Eureka Springs, and Virgina Beach. Just food for thought.

You have made a life with her, fight to save it...... ;)

[Mom]

You need to stfu about sex. I say that with all respect . You need to explore other ways of thinking about this situation. Your way is not effective. Try researching on your own. You get professional help about how to handle this situation. Knowledge is power. Find some. Sex is not the problem it is a symptom of the real problem. Your way of communicating about your relationship makes you seem to be the one having the problem. If I was her I might dump you for making sex a condition for staying with her or going away.
Her psyche is damaged and needs therapy. Find a psychotherapist or clinical social worker and you go alone to ask questions about how to handle the situation, how to discuss it with your wife, to get a strategy, a new course of action...her ego may be damaged..she may have manic depression..at least google the issue and read about how others have coped with or resolved the same issue ..1000's before you certainly have had the exact same situation..it sounds textbook to me..you need to be seeking to understand her and not asking to be understood...making sex an issue with her is more than likely making things worse for her ..and it makes you seem selfish..like your problem..is more urgent than hers...think cause and effect where she is concerned..her hormonal chemistry may need to be adjusted..she may be getting subpar medical advice...take all the facts to an objective third party professional..forget your issues..focus on her...women around here like getting hysterectomys..they come thru it new and improved...no worry about having a period or needing birth control..it sets them free...go get advice about how to resolve your woman's problems..if you love her unconditionally...your actions should reflect that.. you don't seem to value or honor your marriage vows..the man is responsible for the woman in my book..she should come first..if something is wrong with her ...your job is to make it right again..you keep becoming part of the problem..try being part of the solution..she may be seeing you as not loving her..not caring enough to listen..not sensitive to her needs..you need another way of thinking about this situation...go get one that is effective..right beyond the edge of of your thoughts are new ones. That is a fact. Remember one thing you are not capable of being objective about her.
Find somebody who is.It may be a simple problem for them to resolve.
I agree on Joe on this almost totally. Go get some counseling; step back and look at the problems and try not to see yourself - try looking at things as an outsider might see them.

[EMK2006]

Sounds like a tough problem, and I think one that many couples face at some point in their marriage. I wish you luck in how ever you decide to handle this delicate problem. What I did want to say was that we (husbands) are in a lose / lose situation when it comes to situations like this. My wife and I (married for 11 years) are close to this, so I have thought about many of the same things you have.

I agree w/ you about sex....I enjoy it on a deeper level than just pure lust. Without sounding to feminine, being wanted by your wife sexually, helps me feel complete.....now, I know that many women will say that is a "weak" excuse, but it does. If men who are unhappy sexually, and have wives who refuse to get help, go out and have an affair, we are automatically to blame. We always "did not try hard enough, or should have gotten professional help." Sex is just like any other problem people face, you have to want help before you get help.

I say lose / lose, becuase if you put a woman in that exact same situation, and she has an affair becuase the husband was no longer interested and was not willing to get help, etc, etc, it is acceptable, and not looked upon the same. Please tell me if I'm wrong.....

I'm not telling you what to do, again I wish you luck, but IMHO, life is to short to live unhappily. I do not want to be a 70 yr old man, and look back on a bunch of regrets.

Good luck

[AlterBabe]

I agree with everything they've said and can only add that I've had a hysto as well...and it did set me free.....on the other side of that...my hormones ARE screwed up and she DOES need to find a good women's center to go to. There's an amazing one here....not exactly HRT with a general "patch" or perfect pill that works the same for everyone ....bloodwork and all medications are closely monitored and they really help from an emotional stand point as well as a physical. BC pills use to screw me up totally..so I'd refused for several years to see a Dr thinking that they'd just give me another damn pill...but it's not like that. Here's the site of the facility http://www.whcch.com/ See what info you can dig up...maybe if you're able to show her how others have had help...she'll be willing to try as well. My husband read about this Dr on an airplane *rolls eyes* was in a magazine...when he came home and told me about them I had to go. As soon as I walked in and started talking about how I felt, the Doctor started telling me EXACTLY what symptoms I had. EXACTLY! Made me nearly cry to know someone understood how I felt...I hadn't even told him all that was wrong and he named em all off. Then they did bloodwork...and within a few weeks I started feeling better.
Now I want smoking heart pounding, sweat dripping sex 2 to 3 times a day....just tryin to figure out how to make HIM want it! ;)

Good luck to you!

[john32810]

I never thought that I would be on something like this, but the game of life has led me to this crossroad and I am stumped...
I am a 43 years old and my wife is 36, we have been fathfully married for almost 10 years. 3 years ago she had a hysterotomy, and my marrige has gone down hill ever sense. She has become synicle and prudish, not to mention critical of my every move. There is no emotions towards me anymore, and the sex... well lets just say that we went from having smoking hot heart pounding, sweat dripping sex 2 to 3 times a day(any time either one of use wanted it) to lucky if I get it twice a month, yea thats what I said, twice a month!!!
Now I know what your probally thinking, and no I am not one of those jerkwad asshole husbands, I am a very loving, careing, compassionate person that is always home for the kids and her, ready to go that extra mile. I do love my wife, but I am very frustrated, everytime I attempt to talk about this sex issue she tells me " you need to just shut up, I am tired of hearing about this shit" She won't even let me look at her when she is nude getting out of the shower, I feel very neglected and lonely.
I guess what I am asking is what do you real people out there think I should do? I can almost tolerate the lack of acknowledgement on a daily basis, but the sex is a whole different deal. I enjoy it, I am beyond the lust of sex, and enjoy the deep passion of it. I have a very strong sex drive, and this lack of compassion on her side is driving me to madness. I don't know if I should stay or go, I am on the verge of wanting and affair! Are should I just get a divorce and hope to find someone who has the same feelings as me?
your fucked and not in the good way

[SeanG]

Motorhead, there are marriage therapists in every little town across the country. Your marriage problems (http://www.***********.com) seems easy to overcome if you are open for therapy, and most important, if your wife wants it. The sex is not everything but it should be the cement in our marriages. So, think about what you really want: to have sex or to save your marriage.
PS. and think of what she wants, too.