Rotten marriage?

[NC8]

Just checking to see if anyone else is in a marriage as rotten as mine.

I've been married to the same woman for 26 years. We have 2 wonderful kids which I love dearly, but my wife....that's another story. I have been a faithful husband and a good father but my wife has behavoiral issues which makes her difficult to be with. We've been arguing over stupid things for ever since I can remember, and looking back now, I should have divorced her long ago. But I stayed married for the sake of the children. Even the children don't like her due to her emotional problems....problems which she refuses to admit she has. And to make matters worse, she insists that I'm the crazy one and not her. If it were only between me and her, her conviction might be argueable, but since both my kids also see the problem with her, I doubt that I'm the one with the problem.

Anyway, I guess the reason for me to make this post is to let off a little steam and probably, deep down inside, I'm looking for a little love, too. I wouldn't call it cheating on her.....just looking for a little caring...something I haven't felt for years.

Any women out there who are in rotten marriages and what to just chat, maybe?

[$$$Buck_Nasty$$$]

Just checking to see if anyone else is in a marriage as rotten as mine.

I've been married to the same woman for 26 years. We have 2 wonderful kids which I love dearly, but my wife....that's another story. I have been a faithful husband and a good father but my wife has behavoiral issues which makes her difficult to be with. We've been arguing over stupid things for ever since I can remember, and looking back now, I should have divorced her long ago. But I stayed married for the sake of the children. Even the children don't like her due to her emotional problems....problems which she refuses to admit she has. And to make matters worse, she insists that I'm the crazy one and not her. If it were only between me and her, her conviction might be argueable, but since both my kids also see the problem with her, I doubt that I'm the one with the problem.

Anyway, I guess the reason for me to make this post is to let off a little steam and probably, deep down inside, I'm looking for a little love, too. I wouldn't call it cheating on her.....just looking for a little caring...something I haven't felt for years.

Any women out there who are in rotten marriages and what to just chat, maybe?

Your marriage is fucked up and thats your own fault. Why'd you get married in the first place? Thats the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Marriage id for chumps. But seeing as how you're a chump, I can't feel too bad for you. Have you ever thought of getting a hooker?

[SolarFlare]

Just checking to see if anyone else is in a marriage as rotten as mine.

I've been married to the same woman for 26 years. We have 2 wonderful kids which I love dearly, but my wife....that's another story. I have been a faithful husband and a good father but my wife has behavoiral issues which makes her difficult to be with. We've been arguing over stupid things for ever since I can remember, and looking back now, I should have divorced her long ago. But I stayed married for the sake of the children. Even the children don't like her due to her emotional problems....problems which she refuses to admit she has. And to make matters worse, she insists that I'm the crazy one and not her. If it were only between me and her, her conviction might be argueable, but since both my kids also see the problem with her, I doubt that I'm the one with the problem.

Anyway, I guess the reason for me to make this post is to let off a little steam and probably, deep down inside, I'm looking for a little love, too. I wouldn't call it cheating on her.....just looking for a little caring...something I haven't felt for years.

Any women out there who are in rotten marriages and what to just chat, maybe?

Again another example of a man trying to get laid and making up an excuse "that my wife hates me". I see this over and over and over again. I am one that is not fooled. If you really want some help with your marriage don't be coming on here to chat with other women. Chatting with women in a trouble marriage is most definitely going to lead to cheating. (And you know this!) If you really want help, why not ask to talk to other men with the same problems that you do? HUH? Cause you are really on here looking for some action!

I would like to hear your WIFE'S side of the story as well. And I do not believe for one minute that is all JUST your wife that is the problem. You BOTH have a problem with communicating! AND you BOTH need to go for counseling. And I'm sure your poor kids feel like they have to takes sides and are put into the middle of your problems in your marriage... which they shouldn't even be invovled in. I would bet that your the one that gives you kids what they want and you're wife is made out to be the bad on that has to enforce some rules.

[WildeSpirit]

you all are a bit brutal :(

[Groucho]

Yes I think that's a bit brutal. Where in the world can anyone vent their sorrows and bitterness, if it was not in a forum? And let's say he goes to a community sitting with men and women of similar problems won't he have the opportunity to slide his eyes on other women's boobs there? It's the same fucking thing!

So heck why be brutal to him? Why don't you give him a shoulder to cry on instead of automatically taking sides? :confused:

[retcop]

Just checking to see if anyone else is in a marriage as rotten as mine.

I've been married to the same woman for 26 years. We have 2 wonderful kids which I love dearly, but my wife....that's another story. I have been a faithful husband and a good father but my wife has behavoiral issues which makes her difficult to be with. We've been arguing over stupid things for ever since I can remember, and looking back now, I should have divorced her long ago. But I stayed married for the sake of the children. Even the children don't like her due to her emotional problems....problems which she refuses to admit she has. And to make matters worse, she insists that I'm the crazy one and not her. If it were only between me and her, her conviction might be argueable, but since both my kids also see the problem with her, I doubt that I'm the one with the problem.

Anyway, I guess the reason for me to make this post is to let off a little steam and probably, deep down inside, I'm looking for a little love, too. I wouldn't call it cheating on her.....just looking for a little caring...something I haven't felt for years.

Any women out there who are in rotten marriages and what to just chat, maybe?


Life is too short to be miserable, if it is time to go, then go. You and the kids will be happier.

[retcop]

Your marriage is fucked up and thats your own fault. Why'd you get married in the first place? Thats the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Marriage id for chumps. But seeing as how you're a chump, I can't feel too bad for you. Have you ever thought of getting a hooker?

Marriage counselor are we? How do you figure any of that. You are an asshole. Alot of individuals feel "stuck" in their marriagies and it does not always take two, some men and women, screw up their relationships all by themselves. :rolleyes:

[retcop]

Again another example of a man trying to get laid and making up an excuse "that my wife hates me". I see this over and over and over again. I am one that is not fooled. If you really want some help with your marriage don't be coming on here to chat with other women. Chatting with women in a trouble marriage is most definitely going to lead to cheating. (And you know this!) If you really want help, why not ask to talk to other men with the same problems that you do? HUH? Cause you are really on here looking for some action!

I would like to hear your WIFE'S side of the story as well. And I do not believe for one minute that is all JUST your wife that is the problem. You BOTH have a problem with communicating! AND you BOTH need to go for counseling. And I'm sure your poor kids feel like they have to takes sides and are put into the middle of your problems in your marriage... which they shouldn't even be invovled in. I would bet that your the one that gives you kids what they want and you're wife is made out to be the bad on that has to enforce some rules.

I am surprised Solarflare at all the absolutes you used. You do not know this guy or his situation other than what he said, you jump to conclusions. I am sure if all he want is to get "laid" this would not be the first place to look.
Once in a while you just need to vent, your fault, her fault, or nobodies fault.

[SolarFlare]

The fact that he is asking to chat with other women, in troubled marriage, while he is in a troubled marriage tells me he isn't looking for help... he's looking for another woman. There have been many times that there have be men on the Internet that I thought were just needing a friend to talk to because they were hurting about their marriage... and EVERY time it ends up that the man was really looking for sex. It was very annoying. Here I was thinking I was a friend and trying to help them understand from a woman's point of view what might be the problem with their marriage. And all along they were hoping I would go for them. And don't tell me that these men perhaps became interested in me cause I was so helpful because it would come to light their intentions over a matter of a few minutes to a couple of days. Now this man could be different from all of those other men. ( I doubt it and would bet money on it.) But if he was really looking to just vent... why not just vent on here?? why then must he ask to chat with women? That's asking to have a private conversation with them which could lead to something else. He should be focusing on his wife instead. Plus their children are in the middle of this... which I think is very wrong. You say that you think that this man isn't looking for woman in here cause its not a good place to pick them up? Some other man just did the exact thing this guy did and blunt-fully asked if anyone was interested in sex! And I'm new to this forum so this other guy that did that was not that long ago.

And no it is not cheating if you are just looking around and happen to look at some woman's boobs... heck, I look at men and I even look at other women too! Doesn't mean I want to get involved with them and do anything with them. I'm sure my husband looks too. Do I care if my husband looks? NO. I know my husband isn't interested in them and neither am I. People just happen to get our attention at times. Even casual conversation happens if you're passing another person by and they happen to get your attention for a moment. That's not cheating either. Both my husband and I have friends of the opposite sex as well. They been friends for many years and that's all they will ever be too. BUT when you are in a troubled marriage, as this guy claims to be, then it is totally different. I say something else is going on to want to start talking to someone else of the opposite sex when you should be trying to talk to your mate. If he really thinks she cant be talked to or work things out with, then he should really end the marriage instead of saying bad things about her to everyone he meets. It takes two people to make the marriage work and it takes two people to make it bad. And you can disagree with me on that but you can say the other person is doing things to make it bad but you have to point a finger as yourself for staying in a bad relationship in the first place. If one is bad, then the other one is either allowing it to go on or provoking it and they are just a bad as the one they are with because they are with them... except in the cases of deception and the one being deceived had no clue.

BUT if this man TRUELY was just looking for friends and really was just venting... then I am sorry for being so harsh. I still think that THEY need to go to counseling or just end it.

[NC8]

I see that there are varying opinions out there....some of you are quite cruel and some are nice. That's alright...we're all entitled to our opinions.

True, my wife's side of the story has not been told and therefore no matter what I write, it is one sided. Let it be known that we have been to two marriage counselors over the years, at my request. Both counselors had concluded that my wife needed to change her ways, and of course I was told to do things differently as to help her out. She totally disregarded the advice of the first counselor and we both fired the second counselor after realizing that she was more interested in earning our money rather than helping us. Just recently, she insisted that we see a pastor, who would be completely neutral and not motivated by money. I'd agreed but she called it off.

My wife hates my brother and his wife, and their kids. She also hates my father. The reasons for her hatred are unfounded and they'd never done anything to her, especially my brother's kids. The reason why she hates them is because my brother got a wedding banquet while we didn't. My father was suspicious of our relationship since we were too quick to marry and I moved out of the house and lived with her before marriage. To me, that is no reason to hate my brother and his family. My father...maybe, but not my brother, and especially not my nieces and nephews.

Our oldest daughter just started college. She got accepted to UC Berkeley but opted to go to UC San Diego instead, which is an inferior college. She gave the reason for her selection as not wanting to be so close to home. She said she doesn't want to be around mom. I have never used the kids as pawns in our quarrels...I love them too much to do that. The day when my older daughter left for college, I pleaded with her to say good bye to her mom....she absolutely refused. Do you all think that this kind of hatred towards her mom is a result of my doing? As for disciplining the kids, I am the one to levy the punishment, when necessary, so it is not a question of who is the "easier" one. Our younger daughter has the same feelings for mom.

And, no, I am not looking for someone to sleep with. If that is all I want, it woudn't be difficult to get. So what am I doing on these boards? Venting? searching for sympathy? wanting companionship? sharing with someone in a similar situation?.....I guess all of the above.

For those of you who think that I am a chump, a fool, a loser....I would not want to know you as a friend, or even an acquaintance. If you can make that kind of assessment on a person you don't even know, it shows how shallow a person you are. Has is occured to you that I love my kids so much that I am willing to sacrifice my own happiness so that they would not be in a broken family? Yes, it is true that kids also suffer if the parents are constantly arguing, but since the courts usually settle divorces with equal time with the kids for each parent, I could not tolerate the thought of how miserable the kids would be when they are with mom.

A one sided story will always be what it is....biased, a one sided opinion or view. Be that as it may, but two marriage counselors can't be wrong and the refusal by my wife to see the pastor tells me she might just be afraid to find out that she has a problem.

Thank you for those who have shown a little understanding, and for those of you who are so quick with your judgemental responses...don't expect your own lives to be an easy one. Some day, you too, will be in need of a little support and understanding.....think you will get it with that kind of attitude?

[NC8]

Oh, just one more thing. Why don't I seek out men to talk to instead of a woman? Simple...men are less apt to open up with their feelings and most are not as sensitive as women. I don't know any guy friends in a marriage as bad as mine and frankly, I'm a bit reserved about spilling my heart out to a guy, particularly in person. Society sometimes see men such as myself as weak.

If there are any men out there with enough sensitivity to discuss this matter...welcome. One thing though, I am not gay, so don't get any ideas. I am not homophobic...I just don't want anybody to get the wrong ideas.

[SolarFlare]

I am sorry for being so harsh. I was not being sensitive to your situation. But I do get annoyed when I see men bashing their wives and then ask for some loving from women. I've seen this scenario time and time again. I can say that there has not been one man that I've tried to help with some friendly advice that it wasn't a ploy to get someone to have sex with him. You story sounded exactly like theirs, especially with you wanting to chat with women for some "loving care" but it "really wouldn't be cheating" tactic. But now that you have told more of your story, I can see that this is a bit of a different situation. I still however would like to hear her side of the story but I could even begin to understand what the problem even is. She couldn't have been a bad person for you to even consider marrying her and have children with her. So I am going to assume (even though you would like for me not to) that there is something else going on between you two that isn't being addressed. Maybe the problem with your father is enough to drive wedge into your marriage. Plus you said that both counselors did not work out for one reason or another. I would not rely on any advice that they have giving you since it sounds like they were both bad. My sister is a psychologist and she would tell you that may counselors end up taking sides when they should not... which it sounds like the one may have. Maybe you wife now refuses to go to the priest for help because she has given up... I don't know. I'm sure the hole thing can be frustrating. But I do suggest that if you still have any hope left in fixing your marriage, then you need to start with giving her the love and respect that you were looking for here and to stop talking about how bad she is. You loved her once... give her that same love that you had for her when you first feel in love. You probably wouldnt have darned talked about her like that then and would have punched anyone that did, I BET. And if you dont care for her any more and dont wish to continue to be married to her (since your children are almost grown anyways), then the same thing is true, just end it and dont talk badly about her. She is still the mother of your children. Maybe neither one of you is a healthy person with eachother and need to call it quits. Some people are just not meant to be together and are better people with someone else. And I did not think of you as a bad person... I just thought what you were doing was bad (as you can see I did not call you one bad name at all). I still think that bad mouthing your wife and trying to talk to other women could and most likely would lead to cheat. I think that in your heart you know this (cause you even said you didnt think it was cheating and so you thinking about the idea of cheating) and I think you were trying to deny (to yourself and possibly whomever was reading it) what this could even be a possibility. Well I hope I gave you some food for thought. I guess perhaps "bashing a brick over your head", wasnt the best way of doing that and I hope that somehow something I have said has helped. I do hope that you are able to resolve the matter one way or another so that everyone can be happier.

[Mom]

Just checking to see if anyone else is in a marriage as rotten as mine.

I've been married to the same woman for 26 years. We have 2 wonderful kids which I love dearly, but my wife....that's another story. I have been a faithful husband and a good father but my wife has behavoiral issues which makes her difficult to be with. We've been arguing over stupid things for ever since I can remember, and looking back now, I should have divorced her long ago. But I stayed married for the sake of the children. Even the children don't like her due to her emotional problems....problems which she refuses to admit she has. And to make matters worse, she insists that I'm the crazy one and not her. If it were only between me and her, her conviction might be argueable, but since both my kids also see the problem with her, I doubt that I'm the one with the problem.

Anyway, I guess the reason for me to make this post is to let off a little steam and probably, deep down inside, I'm looking for a little love, too. I wouldn't call it cheating on her.....just looking for a little caring...something I haven't felt for years.

Any women out there who are in rotten marriages and what to just chat, maybe?
Not being flip but I think your wife and my almost ex-husband are the same person or at least reading the same script.

Now advise from Mom - fix the situation you are in before you get yourself in deeper shit. If it truly doesn't work - get out of the marriage. If you are determined to stay in the marriage, fix it, although you need to realize that YOU cannot fix her. She will have to fix herself - you can either accept her the way she is and figure out a way to stay in the marriage - and to stay faithful in the marriage or you can get the Hell out of Dodge.

You want love from a woman then you need to be free to love that woman the way she deserves to be loved and if you are married you are cheating anyone that you might become involved with. You cannot expect to receive wholehearted love from a woman and yet not be able to offer her your whole self.

[SolarFlare]

There is also a thing called "emotional cheating", when you do not give your spouse or mate the attention and you give it to someone else.

Here's a link (below) that talks about whether or not it is cheating.

Is it cheating? (http://www.thirdage.com/news/archive/ALT03020125-01.html)

[AndyTampa]

Wow, SolarFlare. You are harsh. I also think you missed the point of the article you linked. The article was written by a reporter for a newspaper, and not a relationship professional. This article may have been skewed by her personal opinions. That's what happens with reporters. The call it spin. Pepper Schwartz, a University of Washington sociologist and author of many relationship books whom she quoted in her article said people sometimes do this "so as not to deny parts of yourself, and so as not to try to make your partner into something he is not, you go outside your main relationship to explore." In saying this, he is saying that one might get a completeness that you don't get from the relationship. Yes, he said later that some people, I repeat, some people do this for the extra zing and that might as well be physical cheating. He didn't state that all of this is cheating.

Is it cheating? Depends on the motives. Is it desparation? Depends on the relationship problems. Is it always the fault of both? No. It can be one or the other or both. Without knowing, you shouldn't be jumping to conclusions. He wrote a very full post, indicating what he felt. He didn't right "MWM looking for discrete hookup".

Anyway, that's how I feel and I'm sticking to it. Wanna hook up?

[SolarFlare]

Wow, SolarFlare. You are harsh. I also think you missed the point of the article you linked. The article was written by a reporter for a newspaper, and not a relationship professional. This article may have been skewed by her personal opinions. That's what happens with reporters. The call it spin. Pepper Schwartz, a University of Washington sociologist and author of many relationship books whom she quoted in her article said people sometimes do this "so as not to deny parts of yourself, and so as not to try to make your partner into something he is not, you go outside your main relationship to explore." In saying this, he is saying that one might get a completeness that you don't get from the relationship. Yes, he said later that some people, I repeat, some people do this for the extra zing and that might as well be physical cheating. He didn't state that all of this is cheating.

Is it cheating? Depends on the motives. Is it desparation? Depends on the relationship problems. Is it always the fault of both? No. It can be one or the other or both. Without knowing, you shouldn't be jumping to conclusions. He wrote a very full post, indicating what he felt. He didn't right "MWM looking for discrete hookup".

Anyway, that's how I feel and I'm sticking to it. Wanna hook up?

Wanna hook up?! Ahh NOOO.

"And he didnt write looking for a discrete hookup?" In my eyes he did and not exactly in those words. He asked to chat with other women in troubled marriages. Why am I the only one that see that as asking for trouble? Two people looking for some emotional ego stroking will most likely end up cheating. You can't tell me no one else sees that kind of thing coming out of situtations like this.

I was just trying to give information about relationships. More than 50% of marriages fail because couples are no long devoted to making it work with each other. We live in an age of me and now. When a marriage is complicated by hurt feelings, giving your emotional attention will most likely break the marriage apart. I was raised with the belief that your marriage is top priority above anything else. Now you all don't have to agree with me or the way I was raised but I have two parents that are still marriage after 50 years and are happily in love with each other. They must know how to make it work. As far as that article goes, I could pull up something written by a psychologist... it just so happened to be the first web page I found on the Internet. Emotional cheating is almost just as bad as physical and cant truly damage the trust in a marriage... and if the marriage is rocky to begin with it can ruin a marriage. If trying to show that this can lead down the wrong way is harsh than so be it, then no one really wants the truth. If speaking against fidelity is wrong then you are not anyone that I can respect.

[AndyTampa]

"And he didnt write looking for a discrete hookup?" In my eyes he did and not exactly in those words. He asked to chat with other women in troubled marriages. Did he ask to chat with women in his town or state? No. Did he ask to meet up? No. He asked for conversation with another person in a similar situation. Conversation he indeed got, but not the kind he was looking for. Did he ask to chat with a female? Yes. Why? I don't know and neither do you, other than how he explained it. Men are less likely to open up and some would even berate him. It apparently has the same effect on some women.Why am I the only one that see that as asking for trouble? Two people looking for some emotional ego stroking will most likely end up cheating. You can't tell me no one else sees that kind of thing coming out of situtations like this. If you're the only one that sees it, does that mean you're the only who's right?I was raised with the belief that your marriage is top priority above anything else. Now you all don't have to agree with me or the way I was raised but I have two parents that are still marriage after 50 years and are happily in love with each other. They must know how to make it work.That's great that they're still together after 50 years. They still love each other? Even better. If they still love each other, then they probably didn't have to "make it work", it just worked. Marriage also used to be based on the fact that the marriage came before any personal happiness. Today, people are more enlightened. They don't see any point of suffering when they don't have to. That's not meant as a license to cheat. True cheating is selfish and hurtful. But sometimes you have to get outside to look inside.

He is "making the marriage work" by staying together for the kids sake. It probably still would be better for the kids if they divorced. Happier parents make happier kids.Emotional cheating is almost just as bad as physical and cant truly damage the trust in a marriage... and if the marriage is rocky to begin with it can ruin a marriage.I'm not sure I believe in this emotional cheating thing anyway. Can you truly control your emotions? I don't think you can decide to love or not love someone. You can decide how you react to it, but not the emotion itself. If it's rocky, it's rocky. The so-called emotional cheating didn't necessarily cause it (although it might have). If trying to show that this can lead down the wrong way is harsh than so be it, then no one really wants the truth. If speaking against fidelity is wrong then you are not anyone that I can respect.I didn't speak against fidelity. I wrote against pre-judgement. As far as respecting me is concerned, I don't ask for your respect. I ask the world for tolerance. Your religious beliefs are yours. Great for you. But brow-beating people with a different point of view won't gain you any points or make people listen any better. If anything, it'll do the opposite.

As far as hooking up is concerned, I was joking. The one closed-minded, old-fashioned, argumentative woman I already have is all I can handle.

[SolarFlare]

Did he ask to chat with women in his town or state? No. Did he ask to meet up? No. He asked for conversation with another person in a similar situation. Conversation he indeed got, but not the kind he was looking for. Did he ask to chat with a female? Yes. Why? I don't know and neither do you, other than how he explained it. Men are less likely to open up and some would even berate him. It apparently has the same effect on some women. If you're the only one that sees it, does that mean you're the only who's right?That's great that they're still together after 50 years. They still love each other? Even better. If they still love each other, then they probably didn't have to "make it work", it just worked. Marriage also used to be based on the fact that the marriage came before any personal happiness. Today, people are more enlightened. They don't see any point of suffering when they don't have to. That's not meant as a license to cheat. True cheating is selfish and hurtful. But sometimes you have to get outside to look inside.

He is "making the marriage work" by staying together for the kids sake. It probably still would be better for the kids if they divorced. Happier parents make happier kids.I'm not sure I believe in this emotional cheating thing anyway. Can you truly control your emotions? I don't think you can decide to love or not love someone. You can decide how you react to it, but not the emotion itself. If it's rocky, it's rocky. The so-called emotional cheating didn't necessarily cause it (although it might have).I didn't speak against fidelity. I wrote against pre-judgement. As far as respecting me is concerned, I don't ask for your respect. I ask the world for tolerance. Your religious beliefs are yours. Great for you. But brow-beating people with a different point of view won't gain you any points or make people listen any better. If anything, it'll do the opposite.

As far as hooking up is concerned, I was joking. The one closed-minded, old-fashioned, argumentative woman I already have is all I can handle.

LOL I am sorry you have someone in your life that is like me... I can be very bull headed at times. And I knew you were joking about hooking up with me... I just had to response with a no anyways. I also am not religious... I just has some pretty heavy morals. My parents also did not have it easy with their marriage... they too are human and had to work at it. They learned how to communicate with each other and educated themselves. They also did not let outsiders into their personal relationship problems. And yes this man did not ask to meet up with any woman but I was just point out the very possibility that this could lead to infidelity. People hook up all the time from the internet and they will travel to met up. True I do not know this man or what he would do... but in the state of his marriage and the potential women he asked to chat with that are needed some emotional attention... it just isn't a good idea if he is hoping to reconcile his marriage. If he isn't, he really shouldn't be bad mouthing her and just leave. I think what he said about his wife was pretty harsh himself... saying that even her own children don't like her and that she is some sort of metal case. If that is so true, him and the children would have been better off had they divorced. How bad can that woman be, if he stayed with her for so many years. He claims that he stayed because of the children but I can't believe that because he claims they can't stand her either... so where is the true in that? I don't know but I felt that there is something up with his story... and I am sorry if I am being sensitive but something about this and the way he spoke of his wife was offensive to me. Maybe I am the only one that thinks this and I could be all wrong... but it gave me a bad gut feeling. Not that I think this man is bad... but I seriously feel there is something wrong with the way he is going about it.

[Sweet]

I'm the last person on earth to give advice about marriage, but what I will give, is my opinion.

As I've matured and grown, I've noticed that too many people stayed married for the wrong reasons....whether it be for the kids, or not to hurt the other spouse, or because it's simply easier than going through all the "legwork" of a divorce.

I've also noticed that if you truly sat down in a room of people who have all been married....the men would generally have the same complaints and the women and vice versa.

You've been married for 26 years, that's such a long time. I guarantee you that 22 years ago (if not more) you saw "signs" of being unhappy right? I think men tend to just "deal" with being unhappy (whether they "hold" it all in or seek an affair to cope).....and as women, we take on the weight of the world (or in this case our marriage and children) and we just make it work. We grew up being taught that you swallow all the bad times, lift your chin and deal with it.....afterall you made a committment to this man, with God as your witness.....

Being a member for over a year now, I can't tell you how many posts I've seen from men your age, who's biggest complaint is that their wife's sex drive went out the window. In all seriousness, I think 90% of the people who complain, never really had anything to hold onto, except perhaps the sex....and when the womans sex drive deminishes in her older years.....then all of a sudden that man is frustrated because basically that was all that was there to begin with.

It saddens my heart to see so many of us stay married for the wrong reasons. I truly believe if we were married to someoone for the right reasons....we would work through these issues TOGETHER and not seek "help" from outside sources, or an affair, etc.

I'll stop rambling...I wish you the best of luck..... :cool:

[SolarFlare]

I'm the last person on earth to give advice about marriage, but what I will give, is my opinion.

As I've matured and grown, I've noticed that too many people stayed married for the wrong reasons....whether it be for the kids, or not to hurt the other spouse, or because it's simply easier than going through all the "legwork" of a divorce.

I've also noticed that if you truly sat down in a room of people who have all been married....the men would generally have the same complaints and the women and vice versa.

You've been married for 26 years, that's such a long time. I guarantee you that 22 years ago (if not more) you saw "signs" of being unhappy right? I think men tend to just "deal" with being unhappy (whether they "hold" it all in or seek an affair to cope).....and as women, we take on the weight of the world (or in this case our marriage and children) and we just make it work. We grew up being taught that you swallow all the bad times, lift your chin and deal with it.....afterall you made a committment to this man, with God as your witness.....

Being a member for over a year now, I can't tell you how many posts I've seen from men your age, who's biggest complaint is that their wife's sex drive went out the window. In all seriousness, I think 90% of the people who complain, never really had anything to hold onto, except perhaps the sex....and when the womans sex drive deminishes in her older years.....then all of a sudden that man is frustrated because basically that was all that was there to begin with.

It saddens my heart to see so many of us stay married for the wrong reasons. I truly believe if we were married to someoone for the right reasons....we would work through these issues TOGETHER and not seek "help" from outside sources, or an affair, etc.

I'll stop rambling...I wish you the best of luck..... :cool:

Thank you for your insight. This is soo true. You've said in a way that way nicer than I did. :)

[AndyTampa]

SolarFlare, we seemed to have hit on some common ground in your last post. Suffice it to say that we can disagree and discuss these topics. I only have one thing to add that I didn't think of before.

Often, when it comes to human beings, they don't actually know why they respond the way they do to stimuli. They sometimes have a reason that makes sense to their logic but not to other people who can see from outside the circumstances.

We don't have to have respect for the other person. We can decide to respect their beliefs. Whatever our beliefs, we should all try to respect the beliefs of other human beings.

And Sweet? Well said.

[NC8]

Thanks to everyone for your responses. The recent ones have been written with much thought and feeling. Sorry I did not respond earlier. I was off for the weekend and don't dare to visit this site on my home computer.

Solarflare, you are absolutely correct in thinking that deep down inside, there is a part of me that wishes an affair might come out of this. Having been deprived of any love for so long, I really miss it. (and I don't mean sex)
Although I do not truly intend for this to happen, I cannot honestly say that I don't want it to happen. However, having said that, how likely is it that I would meet a woman that I will fall in love with on this website? My words are being written for all the world to see and therefore if "Ms right" comes along, fat chance that she'll be living close enough to me to even consider meeting her in person. If it were my true intent to have an affair, there are other means.

Solarflare, again, you are correct in stating that I should not bad mouth my wife, and believe me, I talk to only my parents and my brother about my marriage, and that is only because they see that I am unhappy, so they asked the reason why. Bare in mind that any person of average intelligence knows not to believe a one sided story, but my parents and brother have witnessed and experienced for themselves, what kind of woman my wife is, as evidenced by her behavior and personality. Even without my input, they've already told me that she is a difficult person. As for me bad mouthing her on this site, there are no names used, so she could be anyone.

On the subject of our children....yes, I would have divorced my wife many years ago had I felt that she was more of a detriment to them than a benifit. Therein lies the dilema: she really is a good person overall. But what makes her intolerable is that she is an extreme type A person, a perfectionist. Having two outstanding kids who both excel in school and music is not good enough for her. She is driven to find perfection, never slowing down to appreciate what she has. She constantly lives her life being unhappy and in doing so, she makes herself intolerable to be around.

There are too many stories for me to write, too much sadness for me to convey, too many instances where I felt being mistreated, and I'll be honest, it feels good to tell my stories. Is it sympathy that I seek? is it companionship with another person with a similar experience? I don't know. All I know that it is like a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders when I can just let another person know how I feel...even if that person is somewhere out there in this cyberspace.

I no longer talk to anyone about my problems, for I feel that I am pestering them. My brother had advised me many times to get divorced but I could not bear to break up the family. The kids don't like mom, but they don't hate her. They, too, know that she tries her best to be a good mom. They know also, that because she has so many emotional problems, it is impossible to truely love her. I'd actually touched on the subject of divorce with my kids and from their response, I'd realized that that is not what they want. But anyway, our younger daughter will be 18 in 4 years and away at college and then I will no longer feel the need to carry on with this marriage.

I had made a vow to myself when my wife was pregnant with our first child, that I would tolerate the marriage till she was 18. Just after my wife was pregnant with our first child, there was an incident between my wife and I that made me realize that I had made a bad choice in marrying her. But it was too late, because now she carried my baby. The early years after she was born were the happiest years of my life. The happiness that the baby brought to me, made my rotten marriage tolerable. Why did I have the second child? Simple: I did not want our first baby to be an only child, and the second reason is: I just love kids so, so very much. Some adults can't stand the sound of a crying baby. To me, that is a heavenly sound. As miserable as my marriage is, the children have made it all worthwhile.

American society is quick to divorce, as evidenced by the high divorce rate. Most believe that a bad marriage should be disolved even if there are kids involved. Had my wife been a really bad person, I would not have hesitated in a divorce, because then, perhaps I could have convinced the judge that she was not a good parent and then I would have full custody of the kids. But my wife is not an intentionally bad person. She just has emotional issues. But nonetheless, it doesn't make her any easier to live with. A person can only tolerate so much hurt.

If anyone cares to know more, there is much, much more, and after you've read my words, perhaps you will understand me better and maybe even agree with me. As I have written, this is only a one sided story, but I can absolutely gurantee that if my wife and I were put in a room and each of us were given time to tell our stories, there will not be a single person who will side with her. And THAT, my friends, is the reason she now refuses to see the pastor regarding our problems.

My words which have appeared on this site were written not out of spite, not out of hate or revenge, but out of sadness and a need to express myself. It is not my intention to have people hate my wife. In actuality, even I don't hate her. I actually feel very sorry for her because I see her hurt...her hurt because the kids don't love her and her hurt because her husband doesn't love her...and she doesn't know why. She cannot accept that she has emotional issues and needs to seek help. Her perfectionist personality absolutely rejects that there is something wrong with her. And therefore, she blames everyone else for her problems, especially me.

Oh, well, there's only 4 more years for me to tolerate. They say love comes maybe only once in life, if at all. Who knows, maybe I might beat the odds, but I'll be 4 years older than, add that to my current age, well, you do the math.

Thanks to all.

[SolarFlare]

Thanks to everyone for your responses. The recent ones have been written with much thought and feeling. Sorry I did not respond earlier. I was off for the weekend and don't dare to visit this site on my home computer.

Solarflare, you are absolutely correct in thinking that deep down inside, there is a part of me that wishes an affair might come out of this. Having been deprived of any love for so long, I really miss it. (and I don't mean sex)
Although I do not truly intend for this to happen, I cannot honestly say that I don't want it to happen. However, having said that, how likely is it that I would meet a woman that I will fall in love with on this website? My words are being written for all the world to see and therefore if "Ms right" comes along, fat chance that she'll be living close enough to me to even consider meeting her in person. If it were my true intent to have an affair, there are other means.

Solarflare, again, you are correct in stating that I should not bad mouth my wife, and believe me, I talk to only my parents and my brother about my marriage, and that is only because they see that I am unhappy, so they asked the reason why. Bare in mind that any person of average intelligence knows not to believe a one sided story, but my parents and brother have witnessed and experienced for themselves, what kind of woman my wife is, as evidenced by her behavior and personality. Even without my input, they've already told me that she is a difficult person. As for me bad mouthing her on this site, there are no names used, so she could be anyone.

On the subject of our children....yes, I would have divorced my wife many years ago had I felt that she was more of a detriment to them than a benifit. Therein lies the dilema: she really is a good person overall. But what makes her intolerable is that she is an extreme type A person, a perfectionist. Having two outstanding kids who both excel in school and music is not good enough for her. She is driven to find perfection, never slowing down to appreciate what she has. She constantly lives her life being unhappy and in doing so, she makes herself intolerable to be around.

There are too many stories for me to write, too much sadness for me to convey, too many instances where I felt being mistreated, and I'll be honest, it feels good to tell my stories. Is it sympathy that I seek? is it companionship with another person with a similar experience? I don't know. All I know that it is like a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders when I can just let another person know how I feel...even if that person is somewhere out there in this cyberspace.

I no longer talk to anyone about my problems, for I feel that I am pestering them. My brother had advised me many times to get divorced but I could not bear to break up the family. The kids don't like mom, but they don't hate her. They, too, know that she tries her best to be a good mom. They know also, that because she has so many emotional problems, it is impossible to truely love her. I'd actually touched on the subject of divorce with my kids and from their response, I'd realized that that is not what they want. But anyway, our younger daughter will be 18 in 4 years and away at college and then I will no longer feel the need to carry on with this marriage.

I had made a vow to myself when my wife was pregnant with our first child, that I would tolerate the marriage till she was 18. Just after my wife was pregnant with our first child, there was an incident between my wife and I that made me realize that I had made a bad choice in marrying her. But it was too late, because now she carried my baby. The early years after she was born were the happiest years of my life. The happiness that the baby brought to me, made my rotten marriage tolerable. Why did I have the second child? Simple: I did not want our first baby to be an only child, and the second reason is: I just love kids so, so very much. Some adults can't stand the sound of a crying baby. To me, that is a heavenly sound. As miserable as my marriage is, the children have made it all worthwhile.

American society is quick to divorce, as evidenced by the high divorce rate. Most believe that a bad marriage should be disolved even if there are kids involved. Had my wife been a really bad person, I would not have hesitated in a divorce, because then, perhaps I could have convinced the judge that she was not a good parent and then I would have full custody of the kids. But my wife is not an intentionally bad person. She just has emotional issues. But nonetheless, it doesn't make her any easier to live with. A person can only tolerate so much hurt.

If anyone cares to know more, there is much, much more, and after you've read my words, perhaps you will understand me better and maybe even agree with me. As I have written, this is only a one sided story, but I can absolutely gurantee that if my wife and I were put in a room and each of us were given time to tell our stories, there will not be a single person who will side with her. And THAT, my friends, is the reason she now refuses to see the pastor regarding our problems.

My words which have appeared on this site were written not out of spite, not out of hate or revenge, but out of sadness and a need to express myself. It is not my intention to have people hate my wife. In actuality, even I don't hate her. I actually feel very sorry for her because I see her hurt...her hurt because the kids don't love her and her hurt because her husband doesn't love her...and she doesn't know why. She cannot accept that she has emotional issues and needs to seek help. Her perfectionist personality absolutely rejects that there is something wrong with her. And therefore, she blames everyone else for her problems, especially me.

Oh, well, there's only 4 more years for me to tolerate. They say love comes maybe only once in life, if at all. Who knows, maybe I might beat the odds, but I'll be 4 years older than, add that to my current age, well, you do the math.

Thanks to all.

I am sorry if I have come off as being very harsh and insensitive... we are all human and make mistakes. I never thought of you as bad person... just some one that sounds very upset. I hate to see anyone make a mistake that they will regret later. I hope I gave you some food for thought and I hope that you make the right decision (for you and your children) not on what I believe is the right thing to do, but what is right for everyone involved. You have been in an extremely long marriage... what is a little bit more of thinking about how to handle the situation going to hurt? There is a lot more emotional investment when two people are married and lived a lifetime together than just a couple that is just dating. It may seem like the other person doesn't care ( and may that IS the case ) but there is a lot more at stake here than as if you were just boyfriend and girlfriend. So I hope you accept my apology for come off as hard but I felt that I had to say what was in my heart as to what I thought needed to be said. You are not the first one to be going through and doing what you are doing and you are not going to be the last one. You are human. Just try to be a happy one! Don't allow someone else's emotional problems be yours! :)

[SolarFlare]

SolarFlare, we seemed to have hit on some common ground in your last post. Suffice it to say that we can disagree and discuss these topics. I only have one thing to add that I didn't think of before.

Often, when it comes to human beings, they don't actually know why they respond the way they do to stimuli. They sometimes have a reason that makes sense to their logic but not to other people who can see from outside the circumstances.

We don't have to have respect for the other person. We can decide to respect their beliefs. Whatever our beliefs, we should all try to respect the beliefs of other human beings.

And Sweet? Well said.

You are so right! I couldnt have agreed more! :)

[SolarFlare]

Oh and NC8... marrying someone just because they became pregnant and not for love is most likely not a good idea. I am sorry you made the decision to tie yourself to someone you do not care for. You had some very good intentions! But I am sure that marrying her for the reasons that you did, didn't help make the situation any better. This is not your fault though, you were too young and you couldn't have known how things would have turned out. It could have turned out to be a great marriage... unfortunately for you that doesn't seem to be the case. People even marry people that they do care for and it still can turn out to be a nasty situation... so don't feel bad about what you tried to do to make the situation right with marriage. Just providing for the baby would have been enough. But you can't change the past... you just have to find a way to move forward. And I do wish you the best of luck with your future. :)

I also have to add that I met my husband off of the internet! And I am lucky to have found him. I didnt think I would met anyone off the internet and marry them... but we happened to be just right for eachother and I wouldnt trade him in for anything. Now I don't know how our future will turn out but I am one who is very willing to work hard at making it work with him. He does so much for me. I would be crazy to lose him. And who know I could be in the same boat down the road (cause I'm not the easiest person in the world) but I am hoping hard work and lots of love (not just sex), even when I dont particularly feel like it, will prevail. Being loving even when mad can make a difference.

And your wife sound exactly like my ex boyfriend. He is a perfectionist too and can't be a fault for anything. Yes it is very annoying to be with someone who thinks they are above any wrong doing. I dont think he understand it that he is hurting people around him. He tried so hard to do everything right so he can't see himself as being wrong. He has Tourette's syndrome with comes with an obsessive compulsive disorder. He is just now seeing a doctor about his problems. And yes I still speak with him but just as friends. He is a way better friend to me and my husband than he ever was as someone that I use to date. So I am not saying you can't be friends with other women... or even your wife. Just dont get mixed up with someone else with the feeling that you are going thru (plus their's) cause that could leave the door up for even more problems... if you get what I mean. You certainly don't want to make another baby with someone else you don't care about. That's another 18 yrs!!! But that is great that you love kids the way you do... not many men are like that!!!! :)

[Katrene]

It's obvious to me that someone is so threatened by the
thought of outside stimulation that they are going to condemn
every possible alternative to their misguided, erroneous ,or lack
of, knowledge of physiology.

[Lancemccall]

Thanks to everyone for your responses. The recent ones have been written with much thought and feeling. Sorry I did not respond earlier. I was off for the weekend and don't dare to visit this site on my home computer.

Solarflare, you are absolutely correct in thinking that deep down inside, there is a part of me that wishes an affair might come out of this. Having been deprived of any love for so long, I really miss it. (and I don't mean sex)
Although I do not truly intend for this to happen, I cannot honestly say that I don't want it to happen. However, having said that, how likely is it that I would meet a woman that I will fall in love with on this website? My words are being written for all the world to see and therefore if "Ms right" comes along, fat chance that she'll be living close enough to me to even consider meeting her in person. If it were my true intent to have an affair, there are other means.

Solarflare, again, you are correct in stating that I should not bad mouth my wife, and believe me, I talk to only my parents and my brother about my marriage, and that is only because they see that I am unhappy, so they asked the reason why. Bare in mind that any person of average intelligence knows not to believe a one sided story, but my parents and brother have witnessed and experienced for themselves, what kind of woman my wife is, as evidenced by her behavior and personality. Even without my input, they've already told me that she is a difficult person. As for me bad mouthing her on this site, there are no names used, so she could be anyone.

On the subject of our children....yes, I would have divorced my wife many years ago had I felt that she was more of a detriment to them than a benifit. Therein lies the dilema: she really is a good person overall. But what makes her intolerable is that she is an extreme type A person, a perfectionist. Having two outstanding kids who both excel in school and music is not good enough for her. She is driven to find perfection, never slowing down to appreciate what she has. She constantly lives her life being unhappy and in doing so, she makes herself intolerable to be around.

There are too many stories for me to write, too much sadness for me to convey, too many instances where I felt being mistreated, and I'll be honest, it feels good to tell my stories. Is it sympathy that I seek? is it companionship with another person with a similar experience? I don't know. All I know that it is like a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders when I can just let another person know how I feel...even if that person is somewhere out there in this cyberspace.

I no longer talk to anyone about my problems, for I feel that I am pestering them. My brother had advised me many times to get divorced but I could not bear to break up the family. The kids don't like mom, but they don't hate her. They, too, know that she tries her best to be a good mom. They know also, that because she has so many emotional problems, it is impossible to truely love her. I'd actually touched on the subject of divorce with my kids and from their response, I'd realized that that is not what they want. But anyway, our younger daughter will be 18 in 4 years and away at college and then I will no longer feel the need to carry on with this marriage.

I had made a vow to myself when my wife was pregnant with our first child, that I would tolerate the marriage till she was 18. Just after my wife was pregnant with our first child, there was an incident between my wife and I that made me realize that I had made a bad choice in marrying her. But it was too late, because now she carried my baby. The early years after she was born were the happiest years of my life. The happiness that the baby brought to me, made my rotten marriage tolerable. Why did I have the second child? Simple: I did not want our first baby to be an only child, and the second reason is: I just love kids so, so very much. Some adults can't stand the sound of a crying baby. To me, that is a heavenly sound. As miserable as my marriage is, the children have made it all worthwhile.

American society is quick to divorce, as evidenced by the high divorce rate. Most believe that a bad marriage should be disolved even if there are kids involved. Had my wife been a really bad person, I would not have hesitated in a divorce, because then, perhaps I could have convinced the judge that she was not a good parent and then I would have full custody of the kids. But my wife is not an intentionally bad person. She just has emotional issues. But nonetheless, it doesn't make her any easier to live with. A person can only tolerate so much hurt.

If anyone cares to know more, there is much, much more, and after you've read my words, perhaps you will understand me better and maybe even agree with me. As I have written, this is only a one sided story, but I can absolutely gurantee that if my wife and I were put in a room and each of us were given time to tell our stories, there will not be a single person who will side with her. And THAT, my friends, is the reason she now refuses to see the pastor regarding our problems.

My words which have appeared on this site were written not out of spite, not out of hate or revenge, but out of sadness and a need to express myself. It is not my intention to have people hate my wife. In actuality, even I don't hate her. I actually feel very sorry for her because I see her hurt...her hurt because the kids don't love her and her hurt because her husband doesn't love her...and she doesn't know why. She cannot accept that she has emotional issues and needs to seek help. Her perfectionist personality absolutely rejects that there is something wrong with her. And therefore, she blames everyone else for her problems, especially me.

Oh, well, there's only 4 more years for me to tolerate. They say love comes maybe only once in life, if at all. Who knows, maybe I might beat the odds, but I'll be 4 years older than, add that to my current age, well, you do the math.

Thanks to all.

NC8 Dude,

Way too many words. Just snuff the bitch while she's sleeping tonight.

[SolarFlare]

NC8 Dude,

Way too many words. Just snuff the bitch while she's sleeping tonight.

And have him serve jail time or even the death penalty???? :(

[SolarFlare]

It's obvious to me that someone is so threatened by the
thought of outside stimulation that they are going to condemn
every possible alternative to their misguided, erroneous ,or lack
of, knowledge of physiology.

I know plenty of psychology (as it is properly spelled), and I am not threatened by it... like I said BEFORE both my husband and I have friends of the opposite sex. And we are both happily married! You should probably get a clue... as for the man had already agreed with some of my points that I was making... so apparently I knew something of what I was trying to say. And I did not condemn him, I was stating MY OPINION that I didn't like what he was doing... NOT hating the man.

And I have ALREADY APOLOGIED to the man several times for being so harsh to start out with... so drop it!

[AndyTampa]

SolarFlare, it's obvious you struck a nerve with Katrene. You might expect some more responses from people who joined the dialogue after it's completion. :o

[SolarFlare]

SolarFlare, it's obvious you struck a nerve with Katrene. You might expect some more responses from people who joined the dialogue after it's completion. :o

I know... and she struck a nerve with me too but so did what this guy had said as well. I could see there was some underlying desire there that he wasn't being truthful or honest about it (either with himself and/or others). He finally admitted to some hidden desire. I commend him for finally being open about it. I think that show that he is aware of himself. I admit that I myself get a bit upset about dishonesty especially when it comes to relationships. And it also bugs me when someone says I have no idea about what I am talking about when apparently he agreed with what I had to say. Now I do agree that I came off as harsh but I spoke my mind and what I saw as the truth.

Now I don't know what I would do in his situation but it would be nice if he could be honest with his wife and tell her that he was no longer going to put up with the relationship the way it is. Maybe in four years, when his children are out of the house, he will be able to bring it up. In the mean time, he should avoid getting other women involved intimately until he is able to give to a new relationship the attention it deserves.

I wish every one happiness and I really wish for the subject to be dropped with me now but it probably wont be since I opened my mouth. (He can still come in an vent if he still wishes too.)

[pladecalvo]

I know... and she struck a nerve with me too but so did what this guy had said as well. I could see there was some underlying desire there that he wasn't being truthful or honest about it (either with himself and/or others). He finally admitted to some hidden desire. I commend him for finally being open about it. I think that show that he is aware of himself. I admit that I myself get a bit upset about dishonesty especially when it comes to relationships. And it also bugs me when someone says I have no idea about what I am talking about when apparently he agreed with what I had to say. Now I do agree that I came off as harsh but I spoke my mind and what I saw as the truth.

Now I don't know what I would do in his situation but it would be nice if he could be honest with his wife and tell her that he was no longer going to put up with the relationship the way it is. Maybe in four years, when his children are out of the house, he will be able to bring it up. In the mean time, he should avoid getting other women involved intimately until he is able to give to a new relationship the attention it deserves.

I wish every one happiness and I really wish for the subject to be dropped with me now but it probably wont be since I opened my mouth. (He can still come in an vent if he still wishes too.)

I think Solar Flare should be in marriage guidance. Right on SF! I too thought this guy was a bit 'fishy'. Anyone who discusses their private affairs on a public forum is a bit suspect as far as I'm concerned. There are plenty of private places to do that. When I read his post I immediately saw the old "my wife doesn't understand me" syndrome.

He also implied that the marriage counsellor had come down on his side. Now I don't know how things are in the USA, but in GB, a marriage counsellor would never ever take sides.

If this guy loves his wife, he needs to work at it. If he doesn't, he needs to get out.

[NC8]

No need for the apologies, SolarFlare. I am not afraid of criticism. As a matter of fact, in the past, I've invited opinions of my behavior when I used to discuss this matter with my mom and brother. "He who thinks that he is always right and without fault is doomed to failure in any relationship".

SolarFlare....you met your husband on the internet. Wow!, that's like one of those relationships that are improbable, but apparently, you've found Mr. right. Congrats! And I agree wholeheartedly that a good relationship takes a lot of work. If the couple truely love each other, both should try their utmost to make it work. Unfortunately for me, I did my best to make it work but only received disappointment and heartbreak in return.

Just to make one point clear: I did not marry my wife because she was pregnant. We were married for 7 years before we decided to have a child. Both kids were planned, not accidents. The marriage was already on the rocks before the decision, but like some folks believed, I'd thought that having a child would bring us closer.

As for the love between us, there is none or very little. I respect her as a person but I do not love her as a wife. I have been emotionally betrayed over and over again and have grown numb to her. I have crawled into my "cave" and haven't been out for years. Again, I want to stress that I stay in this miserable marriage because the kids need an unbroken family.

[Cally]

awww NC... i just wanna give you a cuddle.


crap advice... but hey... LOL

[john32810]

Your marriage is fucked up and thats your own fault. Why'd you get married in the first place? Thats the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Marriage id for chumps. But seeing as how you're a chump, I can't feel too bad for you. Have you ever thought of getting a hooker?
you must have thought long and hard to come up with that insensitive crap...humor aside you are an ass and more thatn likely a sexual frustrated adolecent. as far as getting a hooker...why is your mom available? Your mom..hmmm i think i tend to agree with you now considering if you mom would have only not gotten married or for that matter fornicated...we wouldn't be having this conversation.

[NC8]

John32810, no need to respond to a jerk like that. He just wants attention and the more responses he gets, the more he likes it.

Oh, btw, when I made my second post regarding those who had made nasty comments, I was referring to that same guy, not the rest of you :) . I just didn't want to point him out to give him the satisfaction of perhaps being irritated by him.

[AndyTampa]

And for God's sake (and ours), stop quoting the nasty buck. Those of us who've managed to put him in ignore status don't want to read his crap.

[SolarFlare]

I think Solar Flare should be in marriage guidance. Right on SF! I too thought this guy was a bit 'fishy'. Anyone who discusses their private affairs on a public forum is a bit suspect as far as I'm concerned. There are plenty of private places to do that. When I read his post I immediately saw the old "my wife doesn't understand me" syndrome.

He also implied that the marriage counsellor had come down on his side. Now I don't know how things are in the USA, but in GB, a marriage counsellor would never ever take sides.

If this guy loves his wife, he needs to work at it. If he doesn't, he needs to get out.

Aww Thank you... but I doubt I could be a marriage counselor (too frustrating), although I did take some courses, and have family that is in the psychology field... so I do have quit a bit of knowledge in this area.

[SolarFlare]

awww NC... i just wanna give you a cuddle.


crap advice... but hey... LOL


Ohh you naughty angel you! Bad bad girl! HEHEHE (Hugs are good though!) ;) :D

[SolarFlare]

No need for the apologies, SolarFlare. I am not afraid of criticism. As a matter of fact, in the past, I've invited opinions of my behavior when I used to discuss this matter with my mom and brother. "He who thinks that he is always right and without fault is doomed to failure in any relationship".

SolarFlare....you met your husband on the internet. Wow!, that's like one of those relationships that are improbable, but apparently, you've found Mr. right. Congrats! And I agree wholeheartedly that a good relationship takes a lot of work. If the couple truely love each other, both should try their utmost to make it work. Unfortunately for me, I did my best to make it work but only received disappointment and heartbreak in return.

Just to make one point clear: I did not marry my wife because she was pregnant. We were married for 7 years before we decided to have a child. Both kids were planned, not accidents. The marriage was already on the rocks before the decision, but like some folks believed, I'd thought that having a child would bring us closer.

As for the love between us, there is none or very little. I respect her as a person but I do not love her as a wife. I have been emotionally betrayed over and over again and have grown numb to her. I have crawled into my "cave" and haven't been out for years. Again, I want to stress that I stay in this miserable marriage because the kids need an unbroken family.

Thanks... But I felt I should have apologized for the way I said what I said. :)

[john32810]

i really felt as if i should comment on this post since i can easilty say that my situation is very similar...i have been married for 25 yrs this year and to be honest our sexual activities have been wanning over the past few years (and to clarify the majority of the decision to not have sex has been from my wife), i have been senistve to my wife, because (duh she is my wife) she is going thru the change (i think...i mean hope) plus as are kids are leaving home it has created a lot of...how should i say...difficulties. becasue she has a whole new list of things to worry about. then again she has been a mom for 22 years and it is difficult to change that behavior. still she is struggling with redefining herself now after so many years being a mommie...you guys both have very valid points...i am all with the whole idea of emotional cheating...certainly the person you should be the most honest with and share all of your emotions and feelings is your spouse, not a stranger. i would suggest if your looking for an unbias experienced advice then maybe you should consult a counselor rather than someone in the same situation, that may well be as vunerable as you and even if you didn't want something to happen. and like andy (i think) said...you can control you feelings. but you can certainly guard them and not allow yourself to be put in a position that might result in infidelity. but just becasue this guy wants to chat with others in his situation doesn't mean that he has infidelity in mind.
All i can say to NC is to, if at all possible, keep the lines of honest communication open between you and your wife. tell her how you feel.
I think it was also said that if the only problem that you have is in the area of sex then maybe that was all you had in the first place. While i would be the first to say (shout) sex is important...it is not the most important.
the key is communication once that stops then you might as well sell the farm cause the cows ain't commin home.

[AndyTampa]

Actually, I said you can't control your emotions. You can control your actions.

[NC8]

i really felt as if i should comment on this post since i can easilty say that my situation is very similar...i have been married for 25 yrs this year and to be honest our sexual activities have been wanning over the past few years (and to clarify the majority of the decision to not have sex has been from my wife), i have been senistve to my wife, because (duh she is my wife) she is going thru the change (i think...i mean hope) plus as are kids are leaving home it has created a lot of...how should i say...difficulties. becasue she has a whole new list of things to worry about. then again she has been a mom for 22 years and it is difficult to change that behavior. still she is struggling with redefining herself now after so many years being a mommie...you guys both have very valid points...i am all with the whole idea of emotional cheating...certainly the person you should be the most honest with and share all of your emotions and feelings is your spouse, not a stranger. i would suggest if your looking for an unbias experienced advice then maybe you should consult a counselor rather than someone in the same situation, that may well be as vunerable as you and even if you didn't want something to happen. and like andy (i think) said...you can control you feelings. but you can certainly guard them and not allow yourself to be put in a position that might result in infidelity. but just becasue this guy wants to chat with others in his situation doesn't mean that he has infidelity in mind.
All i can say to NC is to, if at all possible, keep the lines of honest communication open between you and your wife. tell her how you feel.
I think it was also said that if the only problem that you have is in the area of sex then maybe that was all you had in the first place. While i would be the first to say (shout) sex is important...it is not the most important.
the key is communication once that stops then you might as well sell the farm cause the cows ain't commin home.


I wish the only problem between us is the sex thing. I can deal with that. If that's the only problem for you and your wife, you're lucky. Unfortunately, it's waaaay more complicated than that for me. And as for communication, there is none, nada, kaput! I am open to discussion with her, but she is just so irrational and stubborn, it's impossible. You must have missed my previous post, but we've been to counselors and she won't see another one. So I guess the cows aren't coming home.

We all ineveitably age, and with age, sexual desire wanes. Probably more so for woman due to menopause. I'm probably no different than the next male, thinking about sex every 7 minutes or so, and my sex drive has waned somewhat, but not by much. As for my wife....let's just say I need sex at least 5 times as much. Even when she was much younger, she could never keep up with me. I had learned to accept that and so I subsidize my needs by being self sufficient...if you know what I mean :)

My problem goes way beyond sex. After 26 years of dealing with her emotional issues, there is not much left of this marriage other than a marriage certificate. In a word...it is hopeless. I know, I'm just complaining like heck and I should have just ended it by walking away. There really is nothing for me in this marriage, except for the kids. So, I'll just have to take it like a man and live with my decision not to divorce.