Newbie with a Question...

[NiceGirl]

Been lurking for a while, finally joined. Minus the drama you all seem like a great crowd.

I'm going through a bit of personal drama in my own life and would really appreciate your opinions. I don't want to come across giving "my side" solely so I'm going to try to explain the situation as generically as possible.

Here's the scenerio: Your married. As far back as when you were dating, your family never cared for the person you chose to marry. A falling out in the family has lead to the majority of this family not speaking to you or your spouse. Your parents influence you to make amends with these family members. You do it, without consulting with your spouse.....only telling him/her afterwards.

What's your take?

If someone disrespected your spouse (a family member) how would you handle it?

I appreciate your opinions.

[Groucho]

This is a very good question, since I see this situation quite often where I live.

Well the person you are talking about should have stuck with you, even ALL his or her life come what may!

About disrespecting my spouce this happened only once. And never again. That is because I told my family to go fuck themselves and bring me a receipt. That is why this happened only once.

[nphxcpl4fun]

Been lurking for a while, finally joined. Minus the drama you all seem like a great crowd.

I'm going through a bit of personal drama in my own life and would really appreciate your opinions. I don't want to come across giving "my side" solely so I'm going to try to explain the situation as generically as possible.

Here's the scenerio: Your married. As far back as when you were dating, your family never cared for the person you chose to marry. A falling out in the family has lead to the majority of this family not speaking to you or your spouse. Your parents influence you to make amends with these family members. You do it, without consulting with your spouse.....only telling him/her afterwards.

What's your take?

If someone disrespected your spouse (a family member) how would you handle it?

I appreciate your opinions.

personally I would tell them to suck my dick but this would never happen, they all love her more then me, seriously, when we seperated they all stood by her and left me hanging, I had it coming mind you, but still ....

Also welcome, enjoy, and don't take things too personally :)

back on topic, my take has always been that your family is your family no matter what, your spouse is the one that will wipe your ass when you are old though, so she/he gets the priority.

And try to be as stragith as possible with your spouse, not that it adds to the quality ( I think it detracts ... ) of the relationshsip, it is just such a bitch to remember all the lies :eek:

two cents

[NiceGirl]

I appreciate your responses. Now that I've had a couple of responses, I'll explain my situation in a little more depth...

When I was dating my husband, his family never approved. They said horrible things about me. I wasn't who they would choose for their precious baby boy. He is hispanic, I am not. His grandmother went as far as to call me a "diseased whore who was looking to get married and knocked up." :( Not even knowing anything about me. His aunt and uncle also said some pretty horrible things. (These people are from his mothers family). Out of respect for him, I tried to ignore these things. A falling out (right around our wedding) lead to them (the grandparents, aunt & uncle) not speaking to us for the past few years. His parents recently convinced him it was time to reconcile with the family. He asked me my opinion and I said "you know where I stand." Literally, behind my back...while I was at work....he reconciled with his family. I feel betrayed. Our marriage has had issues in the past year, but this (in my opinion) opened my eyes to the fact that I was never, nor will I ever be first in his life.

[fredfrisco]

Sounds like a tough deal...but...he should reconcile with his family. And, although there are some issues, you should support him in reconciling with his family. he should not have done it behind your back, and he should have done the reconciliation with you involved, so that you and he would appear to be unified and a team. There is nothing thicker than blood and while you are his wife...you may not always be his wife. His blood relatives are blood relatives till they die. It is a tough call, but, he screwed up by not sharing his intent for reconciliation as that could have been a great opportunity for him to show his family that you are significant to him.

[muffdiver13]

Fred does have a point, and here's another perspective. My family has never liked me ex. Now, they never made comments like you've had directed at you, but the animosity has always been there. I have fought for my ex for years and as a result have had only minimal contact with my family for 10 years. Now my 9 year old daughter really wants to know who her other family is.

Now for your situation: Your husband reconciling with his family is fine as long as he reminds them that you are his wife and even if they don't like you he would appreciate them keeping their comments to themselves. If not.......

The hard fact is, unless his family finally accepts you, he wil have to choose, you or them. He will find that he can't have it both ways.

[Mom]

IMO he should offer the olive branch to his family but he should make it clear that you come first. I am going to assume that his family is somewhat religious - remind them that the Bible says a man shall leave his family and cleave only onto his wife - and the same for the wife

[juicyjenny22]

Your husband's reconciling with family behind your back is not a good move on his part. However, he's made the mistake. His reconciling with them is good but he should have taken you along or at least informed you of it. Now he should go back to them and make it clear to them that you are his wife and should be treated as such by all.

If he refuses to do this, his professions of love for you are fake. However, don't dump your marriage just yet. Give him more time to sort out this mess. And don't let this situation depress you.

Best of luck in getting things sorted out.

[Gort]

did his grandmother call you a "diseased whore who was looking to get married and knocked up" to your face?

if she did, we might be related.

[Cally]

I'm all about family ties... I have a large family and I tend to want to stay close with them.

But once you are married, you create your own family. This family should exist entirely independantly from the larger family group, but of course, with them involved on a familial level.

Your husband is DEAD WRONG! By going behind your back to reconcile with his family he has basically told them it's perfectly acceptable for them to treat you any way they choose.

When you are in a marriage, you are a partnership, and you should never make a major decision without both being in full agreement with it, this INCLUDES reconciling with family members the way he has done.

They treated you in a horribly unfair way, and now, so has he. If I were you, I would really stand firm and tell him how unfairly you have been treated. And you need to make him decide what he wants more in his life. His extended family... or his wife.

[alwayshard]

well now ....i have to agree with Cally and everyone else on this matter(except Gort)...blood is thicker then all binds but when you two got married he was making a choice to put you first and with that being said he fucked up big time...now its up too you to make a choice....either make him see the error in his ways of how he did it or ......continue being unhapppy,and dealing with all the bullshit thats about to come.....

[TheGrizz]

I think it's unfortunate that blood is thicker than water. This is exactly why so many people endure their own family shitting all over them for years. You didn't choose your blood relatives, but that doesn't change the fact that they are family. The fact that someone is your blood relative, ABSOLUTELY SHOULD afford them benifits beyond that of a complete stranger. The same holds true if they are your spouses family. They have every right to feel about you and your chosen spouse whatever they wish, and a duty to realize it's none of their damned business. When a family member disrespects you as you stated, they lose all entitlements as family, not even deserving of the consideration you would give a total stranger...

...in short, I wouldn't piss in their ear if their brain was on fire!!!

Reconciliation is a wonderful thing, and your husband should have let them know that they needed to reconcile with you. Instead he sent a message to them that they can treat you however they wish, and that he's too cowardly to stand up FOR the woman to whom he vowed to do just that.

Indeed, "a man shall leave his Mother and Father and cling to his wife".... and at that moment, he chose to put her before all others....and that means ALL others. IMHO


BTW, welcome to the forum

[galador]

evening grizz!!! *hides Sweets panties* what you been up to man??? :D

[TheGrizz]

evening grizz!!! *hides Sweets panties* what you been up to man??? :D


I'm good man, and you???



BTW....that wet spot on the panties......it's mine:eek:

[john32810]

Been lurking for a while, finally joined. Minus the drama you all seem like a great crowd.

I'm going through a bit of personal drama in my own life and would really appreciate your opinions. I don't want to come across giving "my side" solely so I'm going to try to explain the situation as generically as possible.

Here's the scenerio: Your married. As far back as when you were dating, your family never cared for the person you chose to marry. A falling out in the family has lead to the majority of this family not speaking to you or your spouse. Your parents influence you to make amends with these family members. You do it, without consulting with your spouse.....only telling him/her afterwards.

What's your take?

If someone disrespected your spouse (a family member) how would you handle it?

I appreciate your opinions.
you know a lot of people think that blood is thicker thatn water...but i am here to say that just becasue someone is blood doesn't automatically attach some kind of obligation on your part or your husband's. We pick our spouses not our parents...my definition of family is people i have a close, intimate, honest, caring relationship (and good relationships require time) with...not the people who live and die on blood relations...i don't buy that bullshit...there are a lot of fucked up people out there and simply because of timing or the biological ability to reproduce, doesn't make them my family. look around your in your life and see the people who have lasted and are always there for you, and not becasue the want something or want you to be obligated to them, but becasue they care about you...those are the ones that you proudly put the title family...to those others who proclaim "we are family and you should make ammend with us"...i say "kiss my ass, go find someone else to torment"

[clockman]

Honestly, I don't understand family loyalty. The people I consider family are the people I choose. I have three brothers, none of which share the same last name as me. But when we have family get togethers, they are are invited, and many people that do share the same last name as me are not.

So this is the way I figure it. If someone offends you, but you decide you want to make up, fine. But don't do it because they are FAMILY. Do it because you want them around as friends. If they don't make good friends, then they don't make good family.

[girljo]

I too think your husband crossed a dangerous line. He was born into that family but he chose you to create a new one.

Unfortunately the damage of him doing this behind your back is already done so where do you go from here? Together you will need to find a way to get past this and to incorporate his family into your marriage, even if it is to say that you want no parts of them and you are NOT to be subject of theirs. Your husband must stand beside you on this one even if he wants the reconciliation. He may need ground rules to carry on the relationship with them. Whereas if they speak negatively of you in anyway, he must be willing to walk out again.

You are in a very uncomfortable situation feeling like second choice and your husband should understand your hurt and your position. If you are willing to make amends with the family explain that you will do it at your own pace.

Also, as hard as it may be, if your husband has made the move to reconcile, you will have to bite your tongue about the family. (That will most likely be the hardest part).

[galador]

I'm good man, and you???



BTW....that wet spot on the panties......it's mine:eek:
AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I was just sniffing that!!!!! lol :D

[TheGrizz]

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I was just sniffing that!!!!! lol :D

what's that on your nose pal?:eek:


it turned you on didn't it???;) :D

[Horny Toad]

To Nice Girl,
I agree with the advice & opinions of Grizz, Cally, and Jenny. Your husband needs to work at a reconciliation between his family and BOTH of you. If that fails between you and his family, he needs to make his choice between them & you. If he won't choose, then if you still continue to stay with him and he is in contact with them while you aren't and are isolated, that is the best you are ever going to see happen out of this mess. Myself, I think if the feud and isolation are giong to continue without either a joint reconciliation or him choosing you, then you should cut your losses and get a divorce. I gather you have a child from what the lovely grandmother said. If it comes to divorce, you should fight to severely limit his visits or joint custody. We know that if reconciliation couldn't happen, then his family would poison your reputation to the child.
Good luck at working through this tough situation. I hope you both can reconcile with the family. If you can't, and he won't choose you, both your husband & his family are unreasonable and it is not practical to try to stick with a guy who puts you 2nd.

[PhoneWhore Karen]

If someone disrespected your spouse (a family member) how would you handle it?
My family means a lot to me, but I'd choose my man over family.

[wannabeexpert]

My family has done some real crappy stuff to each other but have managed never to completely allow it to cause riffs that last for too long.

If my husband's family had done that to me and he initially fought for me, then I would have been honored. On the other hand, I totally agree that the riff shoud be closed.

If my husband had appraoched me with trying to reconcile, I would have agreed with him and would have gone WITH him to try and work things out with his family.

Life is too short to stay mad at someone forever. I'm not saying to be their bestfriend or to just let them walk all over you but forgiveness is needed on both sides.

My uncle said negative things to me about my boyfriend now my husband and he had to eat his own words as my husband proved to be a great man. They aren't best friends but they are civil.

Forgive your husband, he was trying to be a good man.

[cowgirlup]

If my husband's family had done that to me and he initially fought for me, then I would have been honored. On the other hand, I totally agree that the riff shoud be closed.

If my husband had appraoched me with trying to reconcile, I would have agreed with him and would have gone WITH him to try and work things out with his family.

Forgive your husband, he was trying to be a good man.

No he wasn't. He DID ask her opinion, he did NOT ask her to go with him when he decided 'behind her back' to reconcile the situation. Maybe she would have gone with him, but he made the decision for her and has now left her behind. With time she might be able to forgive, but he hasn't proven that he knows how to treat her or the situation to make her want to forgive him...

Sounds like he has made his choice, time to pack bags and begin living the choice he made. Unless the wedding was just last month.... how long have you been married Nice? I did see that it's been more than a few years... so long enough IMHO............

My answer tot he question:
If someone disrespected your spouse (a family member) how would you handle it?
I haven't ever been married, but when I do finally make that commitment it will be with my life and the choice will be someone I can proudly stand next to and scream from the mountaintops "I love this man" so if anyone disrespected him....... he would have me in his corner 100% no matter what.